I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
