Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How does one acquire holy water?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
