So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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