I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
