i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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