the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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