I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We have started to decorate penises.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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