omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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