Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
