I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
