i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
