I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
