I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
