i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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