I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
