I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I need moral support for this bender
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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