I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
