why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize