this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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