when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
