if i can run in heels then i can drive
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
