did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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