Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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