You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
