Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
40s are totally the cure
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
