The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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