the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You don't make any sense
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