Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
