Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
