sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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