My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
