I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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