respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
