i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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