i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
