tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize