Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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