i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
