there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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