NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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