Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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