her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I can't turn off my feet"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
