I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i drank out of a bidet.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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