I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
