So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
