If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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