you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
