and next time when you feel me up, do it right
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
