life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
