Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
