I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
