i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I supernannyed him into submission
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
