why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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