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• (214): View more from Texas

  I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.

  (972): View more from Texas

  I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.

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• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it

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• (845): View more from New York

  even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.

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• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

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• (817): View more from Texas

  Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?

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• (952): View more from Minnesota

  I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night

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• (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

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• (802): View more from Vermont

  i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording

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• (917): View more from New York City

  idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now

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• (337): View more from Louisiana

  Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.

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• (563): View more from Iowa

  I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.

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