My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
