i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
