I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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