We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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