I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
